it's all a part of me, that's who i am.

In social psychology we've been talking about how we view ourselves, who do we think we are? and how this is influenced by the people around us. So here it is, a list of who I am:

I am a woman. A young woman. I think this defines a big part of me.

I am a student: academic, with a desire to learn, a desire to understand.

I am a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin and a niece. these all define a piece of me.

I am a girlfriend, with a great guy :)

I am sometimes the life of the party,

I can be the quiet one who is thinking, and sometimes I'm opinionated,

I am a perfectionist,

I am a worrier.

I am sensitive.

I am a minister's daughter, but I don't feel it should define other's view of me,

I am a person with faith in God, or at least I try to keep my faith.

I am a dreamer,

and I am a hopeless romantic.

I will add to this later..

until then, i'll just keep moving..

why is it in life that the one person that was never supposed to let you down, always does? the one person that was always supposed to be there, ALWAYS. and it seems like it's so much easier for them to move on. do they really find it that easy to forget? I hold onto memories with a death grip, but why do other people always seem so content to let them go? am i really that easy to dismiss, or am i just more sentimental than everyone else? am I the abnormal one? and will i ever find someone that will truly always be there? outside of my family that is. I think in the end, all you have is family (and perhaps whoever you choose to be your family, your husband and your children, if you have children). or maybe in the end we really are alone..which scares me. they say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all..but sometimes I'm just not so sure.

i feel like i'm the one that's ALWAYS there for people..and it's so easy for people to take that person for granted. like they think any time they want to turn around and come back i'll still be here waiting. well..it may not be true.
"what am i supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you.."

i loved him so, but i let him go...

today i went running, and i went to the ocean and stopped and took a walk on the beach. i came to this really flat, perfect piece of sand out of the blue. It was so much like a blank canvas that i felt it was meant to be that i write on it, and there was even a single rock in the sand that i found right when i wondered what i would write with.

First I wrote: "I loved you, but now it's over. let the waves wash it away and make something new." and then I kept walking and wrote our initials in the sand and wrote "let it go." And then I stepped back and thought about it, and thought about how we'll always have the memories that we want to hold onto, but sometimes we just have to let it go. I crossed out my long thought so nobody else would read it, and i walked away and let the ocean swallow up my sadness.

It's still a little melancholy, but I felt better writing out the things I never got to say in the sand. For such a short time with him, it's almost silly that I find so much melancholy happiness in our memories. Mostly the ones where his arms wrap around me, or we're laughing at each other or we stare into each others eyes until we have to kiss. Losing that sucks. It still takes time but I know it will all get better eventually, even if it's hard to believe.

what i've learned

I was having a conversation with a friend..and we were talking about things that we learned from past relationships. I think I realized these are the things I've truly learned.

1) Don't be afraid to ask for what you deserve. Too many times, I have given of myself and not gotten back what I should have. Many of my regrets stem from not holding back enough when I wasn't down for something, and in not standing up for myself when I wasn't happy.

2) Know when it's over..this is huge. When something lasts too long, and you know it isn't right, that is a big mistake. If you aren't getting what you deserve, if you aren't happy, or if it just isn't there, don't wait around because you're afraid to hurt someone or because you're afraid of what's on the other side. You know in your heart what's right, so you need to get it done. Pain is inevitable, but staying in a failing relationship is worse.

3) There are people out there that will say what you want to hear, and nothing more. Everyone is warned about it, but until you experience it you'll have to learn the lesson for yourself. I have now, and I know now that just because someone says they love you and they want to be with you forever, doesn't mean that they will. Don't be blinded by words...because that's all they are. Deep down, you'll know when someone means it.

4) Don't move too fast. Enjoy every moment. The meeting, the flirting, the moment right before you lean in for that first kiss, the holding back, the giving in...don't rush for the big bang, don't rush to "go steady," don't rush to get serious. It's the little moments that you can't get back once you blow past them. Inevitably it seems like the "love" that blooms the fastest also ends the fastest...I've learned you should take your time, although sometimes it's much easier said than done.

5) BIGGEST OF ALL...your intuition tells you what you need to know. When I look back now, I feel that in my heart I knew exactly what was going to happen in each relationship. My gut told me i had to break up, but i put it off for 6 months and now regret it. Deep down, I knew that another one was a player, but I ignored it. In another relationship, I knew all along he wasn't ready to be exclusive, but my heart won out and then i got hurt when it ended too quickly. Overall, i think it is true that you "just know" when something is right, and sometimes we want something to be right sooo badly, but it just ISN'T. All I can say is listen to your heart, and don't try to talk over it and ignore it...because it really, truly knows. I have to keep reminding myself of that still today.

These aren't perfect thoughts, and I'm sure I'll still make plenty of mistakes. I'm sure there's more to learn and more to remember. But this is the start of my journey..every heartache and every mistake makes you a little stronger and a little more wise.

this hurts.

I'm just so hurt, and so tired of being let down. Yes, it's that stereotypical feeling, "nobody has ever felt the way I do right now." It's the feeling that makes you lose your mind and eat a lot of pizza and drown yourself in ice cream, all the while muttering cynical things and listening to sad music and changing the station every time a love song comes on. It's pretending that you're fine, even when you're not. It's thinking that you're over it and realizing that you're not, every time you pass them on the street or hear their name or think about the times you had with them. That's right..it's that heartbreak feeling, and it's coming around again. Just when you thought you were at your last straw and that you could never live through the pain again, you're thrown down on the ground and never want to pick yourself up.

The freshest wounds always hurt the most. I always tend to deny that I've ever felt this way before. "This is the worst I've EVER felt about ANYONE," i always think to myself. And maybe it's true, I haven't. Every situation is just a little bit different. This most recent turn of events in particular, seems to sting because it was so short. Something that started off so beautiful and perfect and ends before it even takes flight is a very bad feeling. Even if a relationship was short, you know that for at least some short amount of time you lived and breathed for this person..even if it was just those few moments under the sheets, the moments where you walked around and didn't even realize there was a smile still lingering on their face from what they said. The memories of that last second before you fall asleep in their arms, peaceful and safe and knowing they feel the same.

The anxious throw up feeling when you know that what they're about to tell you isn't good is one of the worst feelings in the world. Their hesitant pause before your world crashes down around you. The way that you wait after they leave, stunned to silence for a few minutes, your brain only hoping that the door will swing open and they'll just say "wait, i made a terrible mistake..i take back everything I just said."

I feel like I took for granted all the moments when I could just lean into him whenever I wanted..why didn't I kiss him more? Why didn't I appreciate even more every breath and every touch? Such a silly girl, why wouldn't you realize that these things are never permanent? Why didn't I soak up every last flirtatious message, every laugh, and every time he pulled me closer a thousand times more? Because now that he's gone those memories are all I have to hold on to, and it kills me, knowing he doesn't want them back the way I do.

When things like this come out of the blue and so unexpectedly, you're just not sure what to do. You don't want to explain what happened to anyone else. If you stay in your room alone, empty thoughts are all you're left with. Music just brings back beautiful, painful memories, but silence just does the same. The worst part is seeing him in passing, knowing perfectly well that he's glad to be single, and as much as you wish you were, you're just not a big part of his life anymore and nothing will ever be the same. Why does it seem to me, that one person is always ready to take it farther and the other person just isn't ready? They're just "not in it," the time just isn't right. Well, what are you waiting for? When will the time be right, what will be different? Don't I give you what you need right here? It kills, how perfect we could have been, how perfect of a love story was still growing..don't you realize you lost one of the best things that could have ever happened to you? but you didn't even take the time to figure it out. I miss you, but you don't miss me, and that's the worst part.

so cheers to those that broke our hearts, the ones that continue to break our hearts when we smell their cologne or hear their songs. A round of applause for the people that ruined our second chances. And a toast to the bad timing that keeps us from jumping in...you can find me standing on the sidelines, waiting to wake up one day and find myself over you. Until then, I'll be wishing for you to show up at my door.