I'm just so hurt, and so tired of being let down. Yes, it's that stereotypical feeling, "nobody has ever felt the way I do right now." It's the feeling that makes you lose your mind and eat a lot of pizza and drown yourself in ice cream, all the while muttering cynical things and listening to sad music and changing the station every time a love song comes on. It's pretending that you're fine, even when you're not. It's thinking that you're over it and realizing that you're not, every time you pass them on the street or hear their name or think about the times you had with them. That's right..it's that heartbreak feeling, and it's coming around again. Just when you thought you were at your last straw and that you could never live through the pain again, you're thrown down on the ground and never want to pick yourself up.
The freshest wounds always hurt the most. I always tend to deny that I've ever felt this way before. "This is the worst I've EVER felt about ANYONE," i always think to myself. And maybe it's true, I haven't. Every situation is just a little bit different. This most recent turn of events in particular, seems to sting because it was so short. Something that started off so beautiful and perfect and ends before it even takes flight is a very bad feeling. Even if a relationship was short, you know that for at least some short amount of time you lived and breathed for this person..even if it was just those few moments under the sheets, the moments where you walked around and didn't even realize there was a smile still lingering on their face from what they said. The memories of that last second before you fall asleep in their arms, peaceful and safe and knowing they feel the same.
The anxious throw up feeling when you know that what they're about to tell you isn't good is one of the worst feelings in the world. Their hesitant pause before your world crashes down around you. The way that you wait after they leave, stunned to silence for a few minutes, your brain only hoping that the door will swing open and they'll just say "wait, i made a terrible mistake..i take back everything I just said."
I feel like I took for granted all the moments when I could just lean into him whenever I wanted..why didn't I kiss him more? Why didn't I appreciate even more every breath and every touch? Such a silly girl, why wouldn't you realize that these things are never permanent? Why didn't I soak up every last flirtatious message, every laugh, and every time he pulled me closer a thousand times more? Because now that he's gone those memories are all I have to hold on to, and it kills me, knowing he doesn't want them back the way I do.
When things like this come out of the blue and so unexpectedly, you're just not sure what to do. You don't want to explain what happened to anyone else. If you stay in your room alone, empty thoughts are all you're left with. Music just brings back beautiful, painful memories, but silence just does the same. The worst part is seeing him in passing, knowing perfectly well that he's glad to be single, and as much as you wish you were, you're just not a big part of his life anymore and nothing will ever be the same. Why does it seem to me, that one person is always ready to take it farther and the other person just isn't ready? They're just "not in it," the time just isn't right. Well, what are you waiting for? When will the time be right, what will be different? Don't I give you what you need right here? It kills, how perfect we could have been, how perfect of a love story was still growing..don't you realize you lost one of the best things that could have ever happened to you? but you didn't even take the time to figure it out. I miss you, but you don't miss me, and that's the worst part.
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